Low baritones lull, I swim to the ghost of his shoulder, and made small by the
thought, wait for sleep to swallow me.
The void courses through my body as the raging other thrusts clumsily
tightened fingers onto my face. My form is empty, complete, frozen, and, with each blow, beginning to calm. Violence is no longer being anticipated. The attachment crumbles, and my soul releases a long exhale. With each blow I am freed.
There’s no longer a need to be afraid of anger and men now. Seeing the bits of boy
slip out of our eyes as the man swells and grows, trying to outsize his own fear. The man afraid of me, me who did not threaten. I realize I am too big and must make myself smaller.
Low baritones laugh, and the husky trembling of a body that isn’t there thickens the
fog of sleep, obscuring you low in the night, making you feel warm with a memory of what does not exist. My eyes flutter open and close, unregistering. Blinded by the soothing warmth beginning to bloom beneath our ribs.
Even awake you know that you are the dream on the other side. Sometimes you
don’t particularly like the ghost. You just want to float, feet free from the burden of soil.
The warmth shifts, uncomfortably. Tepid flesh slipping into fever. I catch the scent of
grime and decay emanating from me. Ignoring the yellowing pallor, I perfume my skin. I do not want my ghost to smell me. But I need him to leave. My self indulgence will kill me. I do not wish to die. I want to sleep. I want to die. I am on both sides of the dream. I want to sleep. I want it all. I want nothing.
I shrink against my comforter. I mourn losses. I mourn my memories, which taunt
and slip away from me, as though I were trying to grasp a wet fish. My ghost sits beside me. I am alone. My ghost sits beside me. I am alone. He does anything I want. He rewrites himself as many times as I need.
I think I am alone. I think I have forgotten. I remember remembering me. I blink
twice and find my ghost is alone. I blink twice. Once. Then no more. My ghost is alone. There is no me.
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